Communion Litmus Test May 15, 2007
Posted by reformedville in : Theology , trackbackWe at Curt Jester Laboratories have made a startling development. Always wanting to remain on the cutting edge of Communion technologies our top research team have made a breakthrough. The preponderance of news articles on abortion as a litmus test for Communion has sparked the imaginations of our research team. After pouring through the Old Testament we found many cases where physical things such as holy garments, vessels, and ground were considered holy. Old testament theology also pointed out “whatever touches them will become holy” Exodus 30:29 and unclean things could remove these properties of holiness. This got us thinking about physical manifestations of holiness and the New Testament shift to personal holiness. We have now detected pheromones connected with holiness. The Pheromones of Holiness (PH) balance detected is directly proportional to the acting on an informed conscience. Our test groups included new priests, those who attend Eucharistic adoration, and the staff of the National Catholic Reporter. The NCR staff had a very low PH balance and the other groups tested much better.
Now introducing for immediate availability is the Communion Litmus Test.
The extraordinary minister of litmus testing places a strip in front of the communicants mouth where they then blow on it. The active chemicals in the strip then react to the amount of PH exhaled. The strip will change color or present an iconic reference.
Marian Blue - This is a “Let it be done according to thy will” indication and displays that the test is passed. This indication specifies that the subject adheres to Church teaching, but does not mean that the subject does not still have to increase in holiness. Perseverance to the end is required for continual passes of this test. All other indications reflect a failed test.
Fork Icon - Cafeteria Catholic.
Rainbow coloring - Subject supports homosexual activity and/or same-sex marriage.
No Fetus Icon - Subject is pro-abortion
Women Priest Icon - Subject supports womens ordination.
The graphic shown above is is only a representative sample. Other possible indicators are:
Turns one color than another and than keeps changing - Flip-Flop indicator, subject is most likely John Kerry.
Fuzzy Indication - Subject more than likely went to Catholic schools and is uncatechized.
You are confused by just what the indication means - Subject is a member of the Catholic Theological Society of America (CTSA).
Luther or Calvin Icon - Protestant.
Pure White - Person is their own Pope.
Communion Litmus Test strips can be used in conjunction with the Facial Recognition Paten 2000
JUST LIKE MARLBORO MORE GEAR!
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